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Renee Vivian
24 June 2010 @ 12:10 pm
So, my lappy had problems and I haven't been ready my poly communities lately and life has been happy and full. Those are my reasons for not updating in forever and ever. So, the updates:

-Totally dig the local kink scene. Lots of new friends and evidently lots of folks got interested in both Leo and me very quickly. We could have our pick of play partners. Leo has declined all offers out of reasons of personal compatibility. It is a bit sad and frustrating when people that are hot are also either dumb or crazy.

-I am happily developing a new relationship! For purposes of this journal I'll dub her (Oh wow, coming up with a nickname is hard) Mohawk. Cuz her hair is awesome. We are taking things nice and slow. It is her first poly relationship and she is a few years younger than I am. Did I also mention how totally dyketastically hot she is? I should really say something about that.

-Leo and I are super great. We get to spend more time together in summer and that means we stay in sync much better. 

-Kinky community is also keeping us more attuned to having experimental and kinky fun in bed. I likes it. Leo made a beautiful toy as an assignment I gave to him, and we bought some bondage furniture. Ha! So good.
Renee Vivian
Seriously things have been really quiet around here. It isn't the quiet of a post apocalyptic explosion, but nor is the the blissful quiet of sleeping cats. It's just us not making poly dating stuff a super big priority when other parts of our lives demand first attention. Job stuff is big right now, scholarship is big too. In a way its a bit sad because I like learning about poly stuff and talking with folks and flirting and all that.  It is also officially a long ass time since I've dated someone besides Leo, but I'm not too worried about it.

We have spread our search for community a bit farther by seeking out kinky communities, both in person and online. We're far from vanilla, but previous we'd never really pursued that for a few reasons. This is exciting and good. I love Fetlife, and the local poly group has some potential. This weekend will  be our third meeting with that crowd. Someone already seems to be showing very small signs of interest in Leo, and online I have probably 5 or 6 running conversations with all sorts of people. Its nice to feel like there are new meetable people and that you are desirable and fun and that people might want to spend  time getting to know you. I'm already half-afraid that I've offended someone in town indirectly by being too friendly with his sub online. If so, it will hopefully be an easy misunderstanding to fix. I've not been romantically or sexually pursuing anyone, and I can express that. I do hope to stay on the right foot with people.

Of course it also means I have to think hard about my standards (like I always do but with new people) and figure out my limits. What is the range of ages I will date. Is that the same as my age range for play partners? What roles am I comfortable playing with new people, or in public? How do my libido and politics get along? Am I willing to be involved with someone who  wouldn't usually date (for reasons of many kinds)?

The other cool part is learning and thinking more about kink stuff. I feel like I'm getting to know myself and Leo better, and that's wonderful.
Renee Vivian
26 February 2010 @ 10:14 am
Well, thing sure do happen fast around here, don't they?

-Leo hasn't yet had a chance to talk with SF. I'm hoping that they can arrange a talk soon, but I've been 100%good and have not spilled the beans to anyone. He needs to get a hold of the girl quickly though since I would rather not see her at a certain party this weekend.

-About that...I'm disappointed in her but relieved at Leo's decision.

What he didn't say was how he found about about this Brand New Guy.  When Leo called SF, she was canceling their date  because she "felt sick" and was "dripping snot" evidently the afternoon after having enough health and time and energy to fuck someone new.  (How many times did she stand him up as opposed to go through with plans they made? I think the ratio is 3 successful get togethers and 2 stand ups in 2010)

Oh, the specialness continues. He hasn't been tested explicitly for STIs lately. "He sells plasma and they test for all sorts of thing there" and they used a condom.  I checked what they test for  before allowing someone to give plasma: HIV and Hepatitis.

- Here's a list of other STIs that condoms don't entirely protect against: HPV, Herpes, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, Molluscum, Trichinosis, and anything that can occur in the pelvic area beyond just the penis/vagina itself.

-When you are in a poly network your sexual health decisions affect everyone in the network! Argh!

-My other comments and feelings about SF's decision making, poly ethics, and sexual ethics still need a  bit more processing, but I can't say that I'm entirely sad to see her go. My spidey senses tingled a lot around her, and never in a good way. I know that she and Leo had no discussion about how to go about things with new people, but this was not an ideal way to make that discussion happen. I know that I'm a slowpoke poly type, but this rubs me the wrong way hard core.

-To add a little cherry to the cupcake of bad decisions. SF is no longer on the pill. Condoms and watching her cycle are her new BC choices. I do not think that is a bad method, but I think that is not the best plan for her particular and generous ideas about new partners.

-Also, my ladybits are grumpy and have been almost since I get them checked out at PP last week. I'm going back today to see what's up. The timing seems really odd and unpleasant, but I'll be thrilled if they tell me how to fix myself. Right now I am so grateful that Leo doesn't have PiV sex with anyone besides me. If that were a thing that happened I'd be real real worried right now, but as it stands I'm not freaking out.

My ladybits' problems are in no way STI related, are fixable, and I've started them fixing already. Mind you, I'm days and days away from feeling healthy and totally at ease, but
Later in t
Renee Vivian
25 February 2010 @ 12:35 am
So this is Leo.  I promise I'm not being creepy and taking over AS's journal -- she's right here, in fact.  She just has encouraged me to have a venue (this account, evidently) in which I can participate in the community discussions of various poly, pervy, and peculiar groups as well.  

This is relevant because SF and I are, I'm quite sure, about to break things off.  I just found out she slept with another guy on their second date (in a week), and while she (and anyone) may behave as she wishes, I really don't feel like worrying excessively either about the medical condition of my bits and their ongoings nor about the fairly real incompatibilities between me and SF that this highlights.

Full disclosure: I have had one-night stands; there is an appeal in a fast and easy evening, and I'm not even necessarily saying that such things are impossible in the future.  However, given that this was the... third?  fourth? guy SF has had sex with since "going poly" in December, I'm pretty sure that this is bearing out to be her modus operandi.  Good luck to her.  

I do wonder (as does AS) whether these attitudes of mine (which she shares) somehow make me sex-negative or double standard-ish.  At what point does one's political adherence to live-and-let-live necessitate maintaining a romantic involvement that makes one uneasy, though?
Renee Vivian
23 February 2010 @ 10:36 am
-Didn't make it to the poly meeting. : ( Real life makes me busy.

-Have now heard back from two online people and need to email them back. Neither is local but both seem like good likeable people.

-Small problem occurred when the ONE place I asked Leo not to ever ever go with dates SF wanted to go to on Wednesday. He decided that he'd be doing okay by me if she went in for her order and he waited at their tables outside. Of course they get spotted by my most recent ex who chats them up and then immediately contacts me about it (while I'm at work and before their date is even over). I had a talk with Leo about "the spirit of the law vs the letter of  the law" and how avoiding saying no to someone is not more important than previously agreed upon boundaries. Good talk, but I wish it hadn't happened because of this. I'll probably talk about it as an example with SF when we hang out next one on one. Hopefully it will be cooperative and not status-y or tense.

-SF is now doing a schedule sharing thing, yay! She wants to hang out with me regularly and soon to hang out all three of us. I have high hopes for this, albeit platonic ones.

-Visit to PP to change BC also resulted in some impromptu STI testing. I do not have: Trich, BV, Yeast issues, Gonorrea, Syphilis, Chlamydia or any signs of any yuck whatsoever. Yay! They could not do a pap, but I'll be getting one as soon as I've successfully transitioned to this new BC. I do deeply love being healthy.

-Scheduled special time with Leo on Thursday, and I'm hoping I can convince him to go to a free movie with me on Friday.

-The only hiccup currently going on is how Leo has twiced mentioned ending his relationship to SF if "it causes more stress than it is worth". This just seems really odd and selfish and manipulative, however benign his conscious motives seem to him. I've asked him not to it and he's agreed.  I've no desire to break it down here though.


Analysis- Life is busy but good and getting better all the time.
Renee Vivian
So, in list form.

-Myself and the primary had a whole date day. Wonderful fun. Food, outdoors fun, romping, shopping, we  enjoyed the whole day. I cannot emphasize enough how good this was for our relationship beyond: really freakin' good and long overdue.

-This has most decidedly affected my response to SF mentally. I feel much better about her now that I feel like my needs and priorities are being met. I do not feel like I'm being ignored or put off or put aside, and that helps me to feel more generous and positive.

-I have not 100% killed the snark factor though. I hope to keep it contained, but it isn't easy or automatic. It doesn't come from a place of deep hostility, but shallow judging, and I need to immediately stop sharing such thoughts and move towards quelling them altogether.  I don't think this is a big problem, but I could really alienate my primary partner if I just share without thinking what are not always kind thoughts.

-No new messages from various online contacts, but no big deal. I have enjoyed some really good reading, commenting, etc on various forums and message boards lately. 

-Google Calendar is great. It is a super big help in my life.

-My biggest concern at present is my urges to hover, to manage, or "check on" things. This isn't poly specific, but I feel more awkward about it in poly/relationship situations.  I care, and I'm a talker and a listener. My friends far away and my dear sweet primary all get bit of this,. and no one has ever just told me to chill out, but I know I've probably been tedious in this regard. *sigh*



-2 visits from out of town friends in the next 4 weeks!

-Trying to decide about this sunday's poly meeting in a town a few hours away. It doesn't look like a very big, long, or well organized meeting. Still, I should be doing something in real life and not just the internet.
Renee Vivian
12 February 2010 @ 02:35 pm
Okay, I just put on a toastier second layer of socks, wrist warmers, lit a nice juicy candle, and poured my blessed afternoon coffee. I am ready to celebrate a little time just for me in the middle of a dark cold day.

-There was a big fight between Leo and myself this week. It started when we were discussing his date. I mentioned that I would like to have had some sort of a check in from him at any point during the whole day since he gets up and goes to work very early and I'm usually not awake before he leaves and I don't get home until 7pm at which point I didn't know if he'd be there or still be out. I wasn't mad until he said, "Well for a lot of the day I was busy." That really bothered me. A lot. A text message or IM doesn't even take 60 seconds. Also telling your primary that you're too busy for her because you're out with someone else = bad feelings for your primary. Ugh. I won't go into the gory details, but it was rough and angry and honest and upsetting but ultimately helpful.

-We've now decided to use Google Calendar. Hopefully this means schedules can be juggled more adroitly and everyone can get what they need and even a bit of what they want.

-So during their date, SF asked Leo if he ever thought I'd play with the two of them or with her. He had been pre-warned to answer in case such a thing came up that he was in no way a negotiator of other people's affairs. He went on to say that I'm not a casual lay and that if she was genuinely interested she'd have to put in some effort.  Needless to say I've not heard from her. Points to Leo for accuracy. Negative points to SF for thinking I am bonus ass. Poly might work that way for some, but I don't tumble into threesomes as soon as someone crooks their finger at me.

-I've not updated my regular online journal in forever. I get so tired of hiding this part of my life that I don't even want to pretend and write about random things and leave gaping holes in terms of mood, motivation and schedule.

-Hopefully Leo and I will get some fun time on Saturday. I think that will do so much good for us.

-Tarot calls to me and unfortunately work is yelling even louder.

Renee Vivian
-No poly meeting due to inability to leave town. : (

-No subsequent messaging with anyone from OK or other message boards. : (

-Non-poly social life is fine and fairly full even.

-Saw SF at a little get together the other day in a setting that allowed for no acknowledgment of poly anything: enforced platonic fun. I'm still not sure things are on their way to being a normal secondary relationship between her and Leo. He thinks it will, but has said that he wouldn't be crushed even if it doesn't.  I reserve judgment.

-Lots and lots of busy-ness, work, and complications unrelated to anything relationship-y. This has taken most of my time for the past while.
Renee Vivian
The long lame weekend is over. Nothing new on the poly front. In a way this is a respite, but I begin to worry (how can I exist without worry) if things are going well. I do home my dear sweet primary does not get quietly shuffled into the friend category for no discernible reason.

In my life, I've been a brave one and messaged four ladies on OKC. One of them wrote back, but in a distinctly platonic way, and that's fine. She does seem like an awesome potential friend. Also in the world of distance friends, I've had more chattime with a dear dear friend who lives far away. That has been spectacular. She's wonderful, and we have so much in common. I just wish we could live near one another and not in the big big city.

This weekend is full of activities and hopefully includes going to a polymeeting in a neighboring town.

I've been doing more sit ups and stretches and excercises. I like doing them and I really like having some tone in my abs, so my goal is to keep that going pretty faithfully.

Lately, my brain has been revisiting college levels of thinking about all things pouncy. A bit weird, but definitely not bad. 


Analysis for today- Keep being active! Think about nookie, work on body improvement, stay close with friends and make new ones. Much good comes of this.
Renee Vivian
Since then...(this is the updatey part)

-My partner made me royally upset by scheduling his time this week such that he has something going on pretty much every freakin' day and none of those things are time for us or plans I made. The Breakdown

Thursday- Lunch with SF, group movie night
Friday- Work then he DJs (at a club I am more than bored with at this point)
Saturday-We drive to hang out with his mother, stay over.
Sunday-Breakfast with his mom, drive her to airport, then drive multiple hours back home again.
Monday- Big bad work day for both of us.

-He tried to make me happy by having 5 hours "free" yesterday during which he needed to grade but was willing to hang out with me. It made things worse because I don't feel like I should be honored with his in-between times. I was pissed but we took a walk and though I still think his decision making was poo, I'm no longer angry about it.

-Leo and SF had their lunch date (at her house, do they ever go anywhere?) He says it was nice but didn't say a lot about it.

-She tried to make plans with me for a night this past week. I was busy and emailed her with my schedule three days ago. I've heard nothing, and really cannot have any expectations. She has no internets at home, she has a primary, and a proto-secondary, and I don't know how high making friends (with the metamour of all things) can be on her list. This helps me understand that I'm not making a new BFF here as much as I'd really like that.

-I've joined about three new online poly groups. I really need some community. I feel like this journal is my only space of full and pressure free communication about everything, and no one reads this.

My analysis-

Don't be a brave little toaster (as the poly misanthrope guest writer would say). Declare my needs and try to sort as many of them as possible myself.

Worry about other shit besides this. Don't be like annoying single people who obsess about relationships and how much they want one.