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Below are the 7 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Renee Vivian" journal:
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12:04 am
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Successfully not dating...*crickets*
Yep. I have avoided dating since June. Doesn't sound like long and it is for the best, but I cannot say that I like how empty the horizon can seem this way. I don't feel the need for a lover, but I'd love to have a local best friend.
My wifey is very busy. I am very busy. We make time for each other but it isn't always easy, and I often feel like he would rather be working than being with me.
I've been pursued once this summer, but there was no mutual spark. It didn't help matters that she joined my friendgroup and very quickly started sleeping with the two men in it that I like least.
My interests return to other realms. I learn and study and work. Right now I'm working on some of my more esoteric hobbies, but even those would be enhanced if I had a close friend with whom I could discuss things.
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02:02 am
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The relationship that pretty much wasn't.
Dumped via email. That's a boost to the self esteem and a vote of confidence for open and full communication. Still, it was probably the right thing in the long run.
Now that I have had a spring 2009 and summer 2009 breakup remind me not to date again for a while. I feel like I have bruises that just brought back old bruises.
Time for me to crawl into bed. Hopefully I will wake up less sore.
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01:09 am
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General update.
Broke up with first real and official secondary partner- 31st March, 2009. Beginning of closure and moving from hurting to being friends one week later. Still working on it, probably will only get so far, honestly. I guess that's what happens when you break up with someone because they've hurt you a lot in an ongoing way and when you tell them about it they don't understand and don't really want to fix it and act upset at you for telling them about your pain. And when you learn things about them that you simply cannot respect. I felt duped and miserable for the first week, and I still feel like I used some poor judgments and kept on a path of compromise that simply wasn't appreciated or healthy for far too long, but I wish her the best and look forward to better things and people in my own future.
In this healing process I've realized and thought a lot about a crush on a friend. We've been friends for more than a year now, and we talk all the time, often about relationship things. For a long time our hang out times have been one of the very highest points of my social life. We are just so alike and compatible.
I get the impression some of the time that she's interested in me, too. My husband makes fun of us about this (to me). But I know she's not very sexual and I also get the impression that she's perhaps emotionally interested in a few people and I am probably not at the top of that list.
We're hanging out tomorrow night, I have hopes. But I have to say that since the crushing has moved from active to passive, my amount of angst in the friendship has increased somewhat. But, I've also gotten a lot of happy crushy moments too. It is all too soon to tell, I suppose.
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09:31 pm
[Link] | Just checking in for my own looking back. Still moody and doldrums filled. Still angsting about secondary relationship. Going to do tarot about it all tonight.
Maybe I should just break up with her.
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02:42 pm
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So, my husband asked me if I want to be poly forever...
This was in the context of our discussing whether or not we want to have kids someday. I feel really torn on this issue personally, but I know he would love to raise children. Education is his life. I feel like I'd be giving up a huge amount of my life to raise a family, and I'm not sure if what I'd have left would really be me. That's been a large chunk of my opposition to the idea for as long as I can remember, though other parts of me think that some parenting experiences would really trump most of my life thus far and push me to be a bigger better more complex and whole person. I still don't know if that person is who I want to be. We obviously came to no conclusion that day (and haven't discussed it since).
But that question stuck in my mind. Do I want to be poly forever?
My instincts say yes. I am poly. The relationship style of polyamory is the most sensical to who I am, and the sorts of relationships I value.
That doesn't mean I expect to always have multiple partners. That really doesn't mean I want to always be on the prowl for more partners. I am waaaaaay too much of a nester and slow poke for that.
I'm sure that the academic lifestyle won't always leave time for poly meetups or maybe even multiple partners, especially for newer or more complex relationships. But that doesn't mean that I see myself converting or reverting to monogamy.
I guess that makes two things I do not know about my future.
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01:54 pm
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faces on a wet black bough
How many is too many? Seriously.
I believe in polyamory and practice it with my fair share of total bliss, worry, confusion and satisfaction. But right now I worry to myself because I do not know if what I think and wonder is reasonable, selfish, silly, or none of the above.
My beautiful, intelligent, sweet girlfriend is currently dating four people. Her primary (with whom she is having serious and awkward problems), myself, my husband, and the new gentleman with whom she has gone on one date (but likes and wants to fuck). She loves easily and much, and the same might be said for her use of sex and chemical entertainments. Easily and much.
This is not how I am, but it is not a path I condemn. Just one that often worries me.
Some of these worries are selfish. What kind of a partner am I, if she only wants to spend 1/4 or less of her romantic time with me? What does it mean that her other three paramours are male, and I'm not? Will she regret me someday or will I regret her? Is this girl going to break my fool heart the way I fear she will? Will our relationship lose social status? Can I sexually satisfy a girl who likes cock this much?
Some of them are practical. Will she ever make enough time for work such that she can actually make enough money to support herself? Will she actually go to Vermont for grad school if she gets in? Will drugs fry her brain, or get her in trouble, distance us to the point of losing touch, or ruin her future? Will having four relationships tie her to this town or make her transition miserable? What about her personal independence? How often ought she be getting tested for STDs with at least 2 partners that are always on the prowl for new partners?
And yes some of my worries are always silly. Will she start dressing poorly since new dating guy has terrible fashion sense? Maybe that's the only worry that I would categorize as solely silly. Lots of others above are silly in addition to being either selfish or practical.
I want to be a good supportive partner, but I always want to make sure that I'm not chasing something that isn't ever going to happen or won't make anyone happy or doesn't even exist. I do not want to break my heart, or waste my time or catch a nasty disease (like laziness or trich), or hurt my relationship with my husband or with myself in order to better be with my girlfriend. Argh.
How much of my problems are ethical, aesthetic, emotional, or else? Have I really gotten over the concept that sex is something to be shared with a few special people? Because that's a fine concept for me to use for me, but not one I'm allowed to pin on anyone else. Especially after I've started being involved with them.
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07:25 pm
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A brief explanation...
This is a communities journal. I am very interested in being involved in many communities on LJ, but am not interested in connecting my main blog with this LJ presence. My community involvement is serious and valuable to me, but needs to be separate from my professional life. That's the short version. You'll have to get to know me before you'll hear more.
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